Marriage According to the Gospel - Advice and Lessons from my imperfectly perfect marriage

Lessons and Advice from my imperfectly perfect marriage.

My husband and I celebrated 14 years of marriage this week.

14 years and 4 kids. We’ve weathered many things during these years: a bankruptcy after years of working together at the same company, two preemie births, a real estate market crash, and so much more. We have experienced a lot in our marriage, and I have learned a lot over the years (although there’s still so much more to learn!). Today, I want to share some marriage tips with you from a Biblical perspective. 

God’s Word is a treasure trove of guidance for those who desire to follow Him. While we must strive to follow Him in our personal lives, it’s also important to learn how to serve Him in our marriage relationship. 

The Bible has a lot to say about marriage. In addition, the biblical worldview informs ideas that leave a lasting mark on how we live together. Scripture reminds us that where two or more are gathered, God is present. God works in the unity that comes from two people working towards a common vision. He is present to bless marriage and families. Below are 6 pieces of advice and lessons learned from my imperfectly perfect marriage.

• Learn how to manage childhood wounds and trauma. 

Our childhood wounds and trauma show up and wreak havoc in our marriage. Often the thing that you or your spouse experienced in childhood is the very thing that will manifest itself in your marriage and parenting.

Childhood wounds/trauma are basically the "experience of an event by a child that is emotionally painful or distressful, which often results in lasting mental and physical effects".  While trauma can range from really serious occurrences like childhood physical or sexual abuse as an extreme example, childhood wounds and trauma can also be seemingly insignificant events that you may not even think of as trauma/wounds.  Even if you had an idyllic childhood you most likely still had experiences that qualify as trauma/childhood wound and still affect you in ways that you are probably not even aware of!

For example, if your spouse was often criticized as a child, they may find themselves more sensitive to criticism as adults. This may lead them to come across as defensive. Of course, this can lead to a lot of petty disagreements that escalate unnecessarily. It can also lead to a lot of frustration on both ends.

Learning about your spouse’s wounds and using that knowledge to extend grace can help both of you heal from your trauma.  Because oftentimes the very thing that they may need to counteract and heal from their wounds is the very thing you don’t know to give. In fact, quite the opposite, one spouse usually ends up doing the very thing that the other spouse experienced - and despised - in their childhood. 

One young woman shared with me about how her dad used to constantly demean her mom. Although her husband was a kind and gentle man, she often reacted with fear when he was upset. Despite the fact that their nine years of marriage told her that he would not be unkind, that fear remained. 

When we understand what triggers our spouse’s wounds, we can respond in a way that nurtures their future growth. Marriage, when done right, can be a healing experience for both spouses. It’s an opportunity for both parties to face, address, and heal from their childhood wounds.  Because we can adopt the unhealthy behaviors of and from those who wounded us, a gentle nudge from someone who desires better from us can be important. It can be the catalyst we need to seek healing and growth.

• Make time for fun.

God didn’t design our lives to be constant drudgery, and He certainly didn’t intend that for our marriages! Just as it’s important to take time once a week to rest for the Sabbath, it’s important to take some time to spend relaxing with and enjoying your spouse.

All too often, we get wrapped up in everything that needs to be done to work and manage a household. When life is hectic, dates out are replaced by trips to drop off and pick up kids from activities. While enjoying the little moments (like shopping together or outings with the family) is important, it’s also important to spend some time with no agenda other than enjoying each other’s company.

Even if your quality time together consists of winding down and watching a favorite show at the end of the day while the kids are in bed, make sure you’re getting regular time together with your spouse. When possible, get away from work and the children and enjoy a night out together. 

Quality time with your spouse will help you have a unified and positive influence on your household. When you’re living in harmony with your spouse, your children will also experience the benefits of a happy home.

• Forgive freely.

When asked about how many times a person should forgive his or her neighbor, Jesus told them that they should forgive their neighbor seven times seventy times. This does not mean that you should literally forgive someone 490 times, but it serves as a reminder that we’re called to forgive those who wrong us.

No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be times when you disagree. There will be times when one of you says or does something that hurts the other person’s feelings. 

The biblical mandate to forgive does not just apply to our enemies, but also applies to the relationships we share with those in our own home. Instead of allowing conflicts to take root in your marriage, forgive your spouse freely… even after they’ve wronged you 490 times! :)

Important caveat – this is assuming a healthy marriage relationship with a spouse who treats you well.  I am not suggesting you forgive and stay with a spouse who abuses you or doesn’t take your marriage vows seriously.

• Go the extra mile.

The idea of going the extra mile is one well-known by our culture. We use the phrase to describe amazing customer service or selfless action. The truth is, though, that the idea of going the extra mile comes from the Gospels.

When someone asked Jesus if they should carry the belongings of a Roman soldier for a mile as the law requires, Jesus replied that they should carry the soldier’s belongings for two miles. 

It’s easy to focus on fulfilling the basic needs of your spouse and nothing more. When you’re busy tending to your children and your business, it’s all too easy to allow your spouse to fend for themself. 

However, Scripture calls us to something more. Instead of doing the basic things expected by your spouse, go the extra mile and make him feel valued by your actions. If acts of service are your spouse’s love language, going to extra mile in taking care of things can be an especially significant way to show them you care. 

I have to admit I have some catching up to my husband on this. He is definitely an ‘acts of service’ guy (ie. how he shows love, not receive - these are terms borrowed from the 5 love languages book; if you are not familiar with it yet, check it out! ) and genuinely enjoys delighting me with constant surprises (along with taking care of the home and kids).  

Know your spouse's love language and use it!  And don't be shy to communicate your love language to your spouse! I am a quality time gal, and he knows that and so takes the initiative to plan dates. He's a physical touch guy so I meet those needs!

• Live out the fruit of the Spirit in your marriage.

Galatians reminds us that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Make sure that your marriage relationship can be defined by this fruit.

Most people will find one or two things on that list that they struggle with. Perhaps you struggle to be patient with your spouse when you’re under stress. Or maybe your words and actions are not marked by gentleness.

When you take time to cultivate the fruit of the Spirit in your life and in your marriage, the relationship between you and your spouse has greater opportunity to flourish.

• Don’t idolize your spouse.

Lastly, don’t idolize your spouse. 

Your spouse cannot and should not fulfill all of your needs. No matter how much you care for them, you cannot allow them to take God’s place in your life.

Only God is meant to fulfill all of your needs. While many of your physical, emotional and spiritual needs may be met in relationship with others, it’s important that your deepest fulfillment comes from God. 

In the early days of your marriage, this may be difficult because of the adoration you have for them in the “honeymoon phase.” Later in marriage, you may discover the places where you’ve idolized them because you’re able to see the areas where they aren’t fulfilling your wants and needs. Even if your spouse is as close to perfect as possible, there may still be an area in which you are not fully satisfied. Perhaps a lack of drive, (I know for a lot of mompreneurs, their spouse may lack the same entreprenerial drive), personality differences or even not seeing eye to eye on some matters. Instead of resenting them for this, realize that they weren’t meant to fulfill every need. Neither were you.

My relationship with my spouse has been, hands down, a HUGE factor in my success outside the home. When your spouse is supportive, it’s one of the best advantages you and your business can have. My husband has selflessly supported me at every step of the way; I often joke that if I told him I wanted to go to space he’d be fully supportive and ask “how can I help?.”   That support has helped me grow into the person I am today, fourteen years after we married. 

That is why I included a Marriage module bonus in my KingdomMBA curriculum, along with other bonuses like ‘Parent like a Pro’ etc.  Because I know that what happens inside your home is so key to your success and fulfillment even outside the home.

I will be opening up my KingdomMBA group coaching program in September. Click on the link below to learn more.

Learn more about my KingdomMBA group program here.